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So....Last night I posted a journal....and this is just kind of an apology....for the first time in a while I completely fell apart...I just broke apart....left where I was...and ended up crying....but....honestly....this is the first time in a long time....previously I use to worry myself sick and break apart...and end up in a place where my mind would just keep cycling back and even if someone told me something I was not looking so much for them to give me an answer as I was looking for them to answer in a certain way....i know it sounds weird but I did talk to someone and they said it is just a form of OCD where your brain won't allow you to believe something unless or until the person answers in some exact words you are looking for....and it has been better....much better....I think its reared up once or twice in over year...and one was actually cause a good friend of mine convinced me that another friend of mine...one that I can literally not lose at this point was mad at me over something that was not really a fight....and he's not...we met up and really talked....and he said that he agreed it was not a fight...it just changed things and that it was ok...that he wasn't mad and that for once he was glad to see me doing what was best for me and someone else in my life....

Things there are actually ok....we have had a few bumps in the road....but we are ok....that thing that I posted last night...that was one of them...but he was not mad at me....he did freak out when it happened and more when he found out it was something that required surgery...yeah it has put a number of things on hold but that doesn't mean they won't happen....But....I think even this happening was part of the break down that happened last night...I have not allowed...or given myself the time to deal with this one...the friend that wants to do Wednesday dinners when I told her said she was so surprised by how well I was handing this one...but like I said on here this is not the first time something like this has happened....and i guess I had better support this time....and well like everyone keeps telling me it was never going to be.....but that....it doesn't make it easier....but thats the thing....I just needed to let myself deal with it....and I think last night helped....and well the other person this affects is ready to look forward and see what our options are...he is looking at one that I would really have to think about as it is something that I dealt with...and I don't know if it is right for us...but we will talk about it going forward.....

I think it sucks that sometimes the people that know us best and can maybe give us the best guidance at the time we need it are the ones that hurt us the most....there are few people in my life that I have the most complex love hate relationships of anyone ever....but like everyone else I am not able to cut someone out of life entirely....I have somethings in my past that make me feel responsible if something bad happens because I wasn't there enough....maybe that and there is the more selfish underlying reason of wanting answers to questions that maybe there is no good answer to...but last night I made a call....a call that ended up lasting over four hours...and I was shocked....It was....different...I guess not at all what I was expecting....but it helped....and it was one of those rate occasions that I did not feel like everything that happened was my fault.... I don't know....one conversation is not going to change years and years of history with the person....especially when they have changed sooooooo much....but I guess it is nice to know that they have not completely lost the part of themselves that made me want to be around them initially...

Lets see.....I hit on the friend thing last night....and I meant everything I said....even if I am not still a part of someones life or we don't talk it does not mean that I stop caring or that I will completely stop being there for them...I never change my emails or phone number....it just means that I am not going to force myself into their life...but I think the fact that so many people are ok with walking away....or just using me for what I am good for has made me very hesitant to let anyone else in....I am going to try with this one friend of mine...I think I am going to make the effort to go on Wednesday...It is just going to take some time for me to lower the walls that I have put up....I am hoping to see one of my good friends later today...everyone jokes with me that I am like the worst psychic ever because I will say " I feel like Brandon is going to want to hang out today...." but for some reason it is always the day after....so maybe I'm not that bad I'm just a day ahead....haha....

I am hoping to woke on more art soon...I know it has been a while but I have been really busy and whats so odd is things have changed....I keep having the dame dreams its just with different people...and the basic premises is the same...we go out somewhere they vanish and other people...not so nice people appear....or I am just left there alone...like one example of this was I have a horrible fear of being in a car accident and my friend Brandon understands this...I managed to get my license but he still picks me up to hang out...well i had this dream that he was driving and we were talking....and well this massive i swear to god cola truck pulled out in front and we slammed into it...and like it actually hurt in the dream...I could see my hands were bleeding...the side of my head was pounding...there was like this horrible ringing in my ears....but then I look over and Brandon is just gone....I mean gone like he was never there....hahaha part that makes me a bad person was I panicked about 3 things....where my phone was (All though this is a response because of the people I have known) How I was going to get home...and how I was going to explain to the police that my friend basically got raptured the second we hit the truck....I told him about this and he was dying laughing at me...Then another one I had I was in this like....I don't even know how to describe it...mountain...crafty....gift shop thing and it was huge....not my type of place either...but the person I was with vanished and I just remember I ended up looking at something while I was looking for him.....but then....I just heard a voice say something that just made me very aware of who it was and that I was in deeeeeeeeeep trouble....it wasn't long after that when I woke up....but thats really been it....I mean its not worth a post....and well poetry...hmmmm anyone that has taken marketing knows there is nothing poetic coming to mind after that class...it was hell....a 52 page marketing plan...thanks to anyone that took the survey on here that went into that paper.....

Lastly school....Like i said I am getting ready to start a new semester....I am ready and thankful I am taking my worse class with someone that I went to high school with...she was nothing like I thought...in a good way....and well I am ready....I think I need something to keep me busy...and I am so close to being done and then I would still love to move to AZ or somewhere like that....I am still looking for an internship this summer...I have a fall back on at a local nursing home....more than anything it is for the experience so I would be working in their accounting department....

So....here is a real in depth update....I am sorry about last night....I just really snapped....I am grateful for those that are willing to snap me  back and deal with me....Hope everyone has a happy new year...
  • Mood: Emotional
  • Listening to: Don't Lie
  • Reading: Midnight Palace
  • Watching: )AHS Asylum (One more disk)
  • Playing: Alpha Saphire
  • Eating: nothing at the moment
  • Drinking: White mocha
It has been sometime since I have update this....and there is a number of reasons for that....there has just been allot going on...some good and some bad...actually kinda horrible that I didn't want to talk about...but.....I don't know...I don't know....i think there are some things that one can't recover from....and I am realizing that burying them is a coping mechanism that only lasts so long....hmmm I don't even know where to start.... I guess with the good...I had to drop one class this semester because the final fell when I was out of town....but other than that I managed to get an A in all my classes....I was ready to tear my hair our because I had two massive group projects and I ended up doing everything...and that amounted to about 32 pages in one class....and about 20 in another....but its done....and another one is about to start....yay....but thats one step closer to getting out of here.....

My mom and I are at war....I know a number of people say that they hate their mom...but in my case it is really true....I mean they adopted me....and then...I don't know I feel like she has been trying to get me out of her life since i was 10....and I am really tired of it...it is a mix between her not having time for me because of my siblings and the fact that she believes the best thing a woman can do is marry a man and out not have to work at all....but that isn't what I believe in...and that really makes her unhappy....not to mention the fact that the person she thinks I am suppose to be with....just announced his engagement to this other girl....god help her...but thats put us at even greater odds then ever...and then I was gone for thanksgiving and christmas....and that just did not help...sigh....I don't know why it bothers me....I guess because she is mom and I want her to want me...but she just doesn't....and I am so tired of fighting for the approval of people that will never give it to me....I think it is time I do what I want...I have regarded her feelings at the expense of my own for too long....

I think I have completely shut myself down to people...I have a really good friend that came back from an internship and we use to be really close and she is wanting to do Wednesday night dinners because she is worried about me...I can't say that I want to...and its not cause I don't love her....but because I am having a hell of a time letting people near....I kind if distanced from one friend....had a huge blow out fight with another and well she ended up replacing me like she said she wouldn't...and I think i finally managed to put that behind me but then my last best friend said he was moving....so I started to distance from him to make it easier...but this his circumstance change....but its still hard to get close to him because I feel like that is betraying my former friend...and for me even if we aren't friends anymore I never stop caring about that person....or their feelings....I will still always be there...but I guess I am hesitant to let anyone else near because I am tired of getting hurt or just being used for what I am good for to them....sigh....I guess I am just having a breakdown....

The reason the one friend is so worried about me is because I had to bail on like two weeks of plans....and at the time I didn't tell her why....but I had just had a surgery and it was for a kind of....difficult reason....sorry I don't want to go into detail still....but it wasn't even the first time something like this has happened actually its like the third....but this time people keep telling me that it would never have been anyway....but that doesn't help....and its just affecting someone else....and its just another thing thats getting to me....I am so tired of feeling not good enough....I don't even know anymore....but she is worried and I can't tell her everything....so I am trying to put on a brave face and go....Someone told me something like "It doesn't matter how you feel....get up....get dressed up...and show up..." they meant in an encouraging way....so thats what I am going to do....I hope everyone else is doing better than I am...Happy New Years...
  • Mood: Pain
  • Listening to: Immortals
  • Reading: nothing
  • Watching: AHS Asylum
  • Playing: Alpha Saphire
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
Hey everyone I am taking a marketing course, and we have a huge project for our final....and for that we need people to take a survey...so while I sit here an wait I thought I would post this....if anyone can take just a few minutes to take it, I would very much appreciate it...Its completely anonymous, and only the professor will see the results...Thanks to those of you that take it...

kwiksurveys.com/s.asp?sid=t48o…
  • Mood: Pain
  • Listening to: Carousal
  • Reading: Marketing Mang
  • Watching: AHS Freakshow
  • Playing: Naruto
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water

And its all fun and games 
till somebody falls in love
but you already bought a ticket 
and theres no turning back now
So, you did it you're a freakshow..."

If you have no idea what I'm talking about here are the previews for the actual show:

and 

(Obviously I don't own any of this....just trying to figure how to use it for a birthday theme)

Alright....So it is that time of year....my friend is already screaming about his B-day....and low and behold I found out he is in love with the show american horror story....I never watched it so yesterday I was watching the first season....yeah I totally see why now....but anyway we saw the preview for the next season...so we are going to base his huge party off freakshow!! Now bare in mind this is no 10 person party this is on average a 100 person guest list then admissions can enter when they are trick or treating...but only older...its not a kids party...this is noted by the fact we used a rig to have someone cough cough me projectile vomit on people as Regan from the exorcist...So as always there will be a main theme this year we are deterring from SAW to use the freakshow than rooms will be designed liked old new and indie horror movies...I am hoping to do one for Annabelle...I am so excited for that movie that it isn't even funny...but anyway birthday boy will be the ringleader.....my friend Brittany will be the contortionist....and I will either do magic....or I saw a preview about a girl with wings and I could do that with my wings that are made out of knives...I am trying to talk him into his fiancé or this girl lauren as the bearded lady...I have twins that I am going to try to use fancy makeup tricks to stick them together...Clay will be the strong man....and my friend Trance was more than happy to get up on stilts....because of what it puts people level with....*sigh* he will never change....and I am thinking of putting J in as a creepy clown cause he did so well as freddy Kruger....bear in mind these people aren't even included in the guest lists...but he didn't appreciate me using his social media sites to send out "Freaks!!! I need freaks come one come all for an audition...you know who I'm talking about..." I am stressed about getting it all done....but at the same time I am excited cause this is actually a theme I think people will have more fun with...and its still a lot of technical work with makeup and gizmos to fool people...but it isn't the large scale work of the previous ones...but if he will let me i want to find a way to mimic the girl on the hoop or a scarf dancers....But for once I have a vision...the last choice is who enters to what song....for him its either circus or carousel...but for once he agreed on the first idea!!! 

Beyond that school has me stressing I am single handedly doing a group project....but then in another group I feel like I am not doing much...I have an accounting quiz...and one teacher who never seems to know what I am asking....I am super tired of doing nothing but reading and typing....but I am about a forth of a way through the semester....

My birthday just passed....and I got an animatronic raven for my room...the sims four...which i do like but they have no cars...no pools....and no toddlers....they really need to work on some expansion packs....this was an ok birthday...I spend the actual day alone as my family left town...A was out for a job interview....and my friend had to bail...but i guess thats ok...I really hate that day....

beyond that people are just ticking me off....I am basically done trying with them....but hopefully that turns around...
thats it for now...
  • Mood: Zest
  • Listening to: Dollhouse
  • Reading: Business Law
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: sims 4
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
I have no idea what has happened to me recently....sigh....there are so many things that just don't make sense when I look back at who I was....So for starters...I use to be one of those people that wanted to be alone...I would tell people to just leave me be....but that changed a while back...and for a while because of a situation I don't want to discuss i would tell people don't leave me...then it became jokingly....but more and more recently it has become serious again...especially with one person..I mean I even spent my birthday alone this year...(and like legibly was upset by that...even though i hate the day with a passion)..like A went to an interview and I was alone here...and i hated it...and I was not entirely honest about what was going on here while he was gone cause I wanted him focussed...but then he got back and he was like you look like shit!! you look like you haven't slept...and he noted some of what had happened...and i told him the rest...and now he is deputing not taking the job...which is like the total opposite of my intent...I am trying to be supportive...but if I am being honest I don't want him to take the job....thats the other thing that has changed...I use to feel like I had an amazing support system but now they are all gone....and i am so reliant on him that sometimes i realize how foolish that it...I never use to be so reliant on just one person...but now I am....and it scares me....I dont know what I will do if he leaves....sigh but everyone is telling me this is for the better and I am trying to go with that...and then I have one person that is like talk to him...tell him...stop being so unselfish....but thats how I was taught...even if its at you're jeopardy you make other people happy....which brings me to the last thing...the one that is bothering me the most....

I have no more fight in me....I use to put up a hell of a fight when I didn't agree with something....heck one of my good friends use to joke that my hair was red with the flames of hell....but i think I have been shut out...pushed away...beat down...and scolded so many times that I am starting to believe that I have to just accept it...and I am...Former bad influences have elbowed their way back into my life...and anymore i don't want to fight...so I either run...or I placate them...and I am turning it all inward again...keeping things from people...avoiding them...and just keeping to myself....and a part of me just doesn't care anymore...I just don't want to be knocked down again...so I don't bother standing up...I am hoping this gets better with time....but I am having a hard time seeing the end of this tunnel...and honestly if things change the way they might i think its best if I just stay in it....

Lets see....school....things are extremely busy...I am kind of going crazy....and everything is group projects....urgh...my worst enemy.... I like my groups I just hate group projects if that makes any sense...but...everyone jokes that I am they stereotypical accounting major and I am...I fully believe in the feed me and leave me alone method....haha everyone is there like forming groups and I am just like nope I am like batman...I work alone...and don't trust these people to live up to my level...and I know that sounds conceited but I have something to prove...I mean my averages in classes are always A's sometimes above 100% and then I get stuck with people that are like I think this is going to be easy...and all i hear is "my part is going to be easy and you are going to have to work 2x as hard to pick up my slack..." but other than that its quizzes and busy work....

haha other than that there is just home stuff...parents driving me crazy and our air is broke so you have to go out and turn the water on and off....otherwise it overflows...but yeah so I went out and there was this huge black spider by the door...and i was like nope nope freak of nature you aren't getting in my house....and so i turned the water off and i went to open the door and thank god it moved away...but then logic was maybe if I slam the door hard enough it will die or flee....well i did...and 10 seconds later the neighbors called thinking someone was breaking in and she was like do you want me to send my husband to kill it....and i was like I am not that big of a baby...........yes.....hmm beyond that my friend alex is sending me something for my bday and I am excited and scared...her original idea was these provocative cookie cutters but then she said she would save those for a house warming gift....but she was like text me when it arrives in one piece so I am scared...my neighbor and i are having an annoying war...the other day I was belting out siberia by the backstreet boys...but then I heard clapping followed by bravo...encore...and then today there was a huge bug on the window...and i couldn't see what it was but my cat tried to attack it through the screen and I was like AJ don't piss it off!!! and i hear "RIGHT NEVER PISS OFF PISS ON...." i need to retaliate...

I think thats it 
  • Mood: Sadness
  • Listening to: Am I wrong
  • Reading: nothing
  • Watching: nothing
  • Playing: sims 4
  • Eating: cupcake
  • Drinking: water
It has been sometime since I have update this....and there is a number of reasons for that....there has just been allot going on...some good and some bad...actually kinda horrible that I didn't want to talk about...but.....I don't know...I don't know....i think there are some things that one can't recover from....and I am realizing that burying them is a coping mechanism that only lasts so long....hmmm I don't even know where to start.... I guess with the good...I had to drop one class this semester because the final fell when I was out of town....but other than that I managed to get an A in all my classes....I was ready to tear my hair our because I had two massive group projects and I ended up doing everything...and that amounted to about 32 pages in one class....and about 20 in another....but its done....and another one is about to start....yay....but thats one step closer to getting out of here.....

My mom and I are at war....I know a number of people say that they hate their mom...but in my case it is really true....I mean they adopted me....and then...I don't know I feel like she has been trying to get me out of her life since i was 10....and I am really tired of it...it is a mix between her not having time for me because of my siblings and the fact that she believes the best thing a woman can do is marry a man and out not have to work at all....but that isn't what I believe in...and that really makes her unhappy....not to mention the fact that the person she thinks I am suppose to be with....just announced his engagement to this other girl....god help her...but thats put us at even greater odds then ever...and then I was gone for thanksgiving and christmas....and that just did not help...sigh....I don't know why it bothers me....I guess because she is mom and I want her to want me...but she just doesn't....and I am so tired of fighting for the approval of people that will never give it to me....I think it is time I do what I want...I have regarded her feelings at the expense of my own for too long....

I think I have completely shut myself down to people...I have a really good friend that came back from an internship and we use to be really close and she is wanting to do Wednesday night dinners because she is worried about me...I can't say that I want to...and its not cause I don't love her....but because I am having a hell of a time letting people near....I kind if distanced from one friend....had a huge blow out fight with another and well she ended up replacing me like she said she wouldn't...and I think i finally managed to put that behind me but then my last best friend said he was moving....so I started to distance from him to make it easier...but this his circumstance change....but its still hard to get close to him because I feel like that is betraying my former friend...and for me even if we aren't friends anymore I never stop caring about that person....or their feelings....I will still always be there...but I guess I am hesitant to let anyone else near because I am tired of getting hurt or just being used for what I am good for to them....sigh....I guess I am just having a breakdown....

The reason the one friend is so worried about me is because I had to bail on like two weeks of plans....and at the time I didn't tell her why....but I had just had a surgery and it was for a kind of....difficult reason....sorry I don't want to go into detail still....but it wasn't even the first time something like this has happened actually its like the third....but this time people keep telling me that it would never have been anyway....but that doesn't help....and its just affecting someone else....and its just another thing thats getting to me....I am so tired of feeling not good enough....I don't even know anymore....but she is worried and I can't tell her everything....so I am trying to put on a brave face and go....Someone told me something like "It doesn't matter how you feel....get up....get dressed up...and show up..." they meant in an encouraging way....so thats what I am going to do....I hope everyone else is doing better than I am...Happy New Years...
  • Mood: Pain
  • Listening to: Immortals
  • Reading: nothing
  • Watching: AHS Asylum
  • Playing: Alpha Saphire
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water

deviantID

Sakura2349
Kitsune
Artist
United States
Alright so you can see what i look like in my gallery i tried it as and ID and i hate that picture of me like expanded so yeah....I'm stuck looking like that since plastic surgery and needles scare the life out of me. I use this account mainly for writing I have posted a couple pics and stuff but...I have no artistic ability other then writing and even there i feel a little shakey. Since i have joined here i have been feeling a little better about it seeing all the kind comments and the people that have added me.

I write the best when I am upset and that is really a regular attitude. There is about two things that keep me upset enough to pull out a good sad story. Most of the conversations in my stories are based of conversations i have had with a few of the people i know. That is kind of sad if you read Between Bonds and see how Itachi treats Yumi...Anyway the way i look at that situation is..."At least it pulled out a good story.

For the people that visit my page regularly yes this is updated. I hate keeping things the same for long periods of time. People who know me for real know this is true. I am on my third backpack of the year. I try to dye my hair at least once a year...The worst was dying it black because i really did look like Orochimau.

I may not look like the happiest person or even come across as it but here is the reality of it all. Life is hard, I haven't always found myself in the best situations but i am not a depressed person. I have good friends that i know are always going to be there for me and such so i can be happy knowing that. If anyone want me to add them as a friend on here I would gladly be willing to do that. If anyone has questions feel free to ask me.

I really hope everyone who comes here enjoys my writing. I really love when people leave me a comment so please drop me a line.

Current Residence: USA
deviantWEAR sizing preference: Large (the bigger the comfier)
Print preference: none
Favourite genre of music: pop
Favourite photographer: ummm again one of my friends
Favourite style of art: umm like the manga form
MP3 player of choice: ipod nano
Shell of choice: conch
Wallpaper of choice: Anything Orochimaru
Favourite cartoon character: Orochimaru
Personal Quote: The cure for death itself. The answer is immortality. By creating a legacy,
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I have interest in one of the jackets...Umm I suck it drawing so if you want something done for you it would have to be writing or photography...check out my gallery and see what i am capable of...so those to subjects more then likely unless it was simple and i will give llama badges...also points from this might go towards my group thanks a bunch

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:iconcyfangberu:
CyfangBeru Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
OMG OMG OMG OMG! THank you VERY MUCH for the FAVE! :iconuhuhuhuplz:
I really appreciate it... seriously.. thank you very much... I rarely get those.. :iconcraiplz:
You made my day, dearie :iconmoesnuggleplz:
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:iconsakura2349:
Sakura2349 Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2015
You are very welcome :). It was an amazing piece.
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:iconcyfangberu:
CyfangBeru Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
a-aww////
t-thank you very very much for your kind support!
It means a lot to me :iconblushuplz:
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DignifiedClown Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2015  New member Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the favorite!
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:iconprincesswanderer:
princesswanderer Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2015  Student Writer
Thank you for the favorite! I hope you check out my gallery and see if you like anything else.
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debNise Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for the fav! :hug:
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maiarcita Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2014
Thankss for :+fav:
On The Magician by maiarcita
I really appreciate :iconcocoloveplz: :rose:
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Arcamira Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2014
thanks for the fav!!!!!!!!!
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IPhantomSilver Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2014
Happy Belated Birthday, sister. I miss you.
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Sakura2349 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2014
I miss you to....and thanks ^.^ I'm all old now...
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