Drowned by Love

I pounded on the door frantically, trying at the handle every now and then. My hair was beginning to freeze and ice was beginning to stick. I was sure I had frostbite as most of my body was numb or stinging. I was at this point shaking and screaming his name, pounding on the door hoping he would hear me. Finally I saw him walking down his hall, iPod in hand and most likely music blasting in his ears. However when he saw me it fell from his hand and the headphones he discarded. His expression looked like he had seen a ghost. He quickly unbolted and opened the door. He ushered me in and over to the sofa, threw a blanket over my shoulders and then disappeared into the kitchen. "Y….You're an ass…" I finally managed to get out from between my chattering teeth. He returned and put a cup of hot tea in my hands that only added to the numbing sensation. The mug shook in my hands; I spared a glance down at my ghostly pale reflection.


He sat on the edge of the coffee table facing me; he had his head buried in his hands. "I know…" He sighed sounding defeated.  This came as a shock to me seeing as he never use to agree with me…I didn't see why this would be any different. I took another sip of the tea he had given me hoping that it would be able to calm the shakes. For a minute I just sat there studying him, something about this conversation felt different.


I stared into those intense browns eyes of his the very ones that had made me fall for him, I smiled as his black hair fell to block them a little. "What were you thinking?! You know I can't swim!" I finally snapped a little. I knew if I kept letting him get away with stupid stunts like this he would one day kill someone. I couldn't even imagine someone like him getting himself in the type of trouble that one can't easily get out of.


His legs were twitching and fidgeting in a nervous way. His hands were clasped tight resting right over his mouth. I really couldn't believe that he would think I would turn him in for something so stupid not after everything else I let him get away with. He was now staring at me like he was about to tear up, he never was one to cry especially not in front of other people. He shook his head from side to side then wiped at his eyes it was like he was trying to get rid of some gruesome image. "I know…It was a stupid foolish mistake…One that I wish I could take back…" This I couldn't understand sure I wanted him to feel bad but nothing to this level. As long as he was being sincere I was going to let him off the hook this time.


"Eh everyone makes em…" I shrugged trying to make light of the situation. He looked up at me once again shaking his head.


"No, not as bad as mine…" At this point I was sure he was referring to something in the past. He wasn't a bad kid as far as I was concerned but that didn't mean he hadn't made mistakes. Some pretty sizable ones at that. I stood up feeling uncomfortable at this point and headed for the door. That is until a hand clasped around my wrist and pulled me back away from the door. "I can't let you go…" He said. I remembered things from our past and the panic began to rise in me.


I pulled at my wrist trying to get it out of his grasp. He was always a clingy, needy person but I had to get home. "Jake…I have to get home…My parents will be worried." He shook his head once again like he was denying it, and pulled once again on my wrist. This time he pulled hard enough I was sure it would raise a bruise. To my surprise he pulled me into him giving me some sort of an awkward hug. The type you give to a friend that you haven't seen in over a year.


He kissed the top of my head as he muttered something like, "Please…Please just let me try this again…I just need to talk to you." I was use to this strange behavior. This was far from the first time that he had said something that made absolutely no sense to me. So with that thought in mind I resigned my time to him with a simple nod off the head. He pulled me back into the living room and sat me down on the sofa; he retook his spot on the coffee table edge again. The way he looked at me now was like someone had driven a knife through my soul…It was as if looking at me was the worst punishment he had to bear. "I just can't let you go…" He finally whispered.


"You know I'll come back…I always do." I returned softly. I reached out to take one of his hands hoping that it would calm him down. However it recoiled the second that I touched it. I tried to dismiss this action on the fact that my body was still frigid. I didn't want to admit to the fact that something about me now disgusted him.  


"Grace you're not real anymore! You were the biggest mistake of my life…" He sounded like he was pushed to the brink of his sanity. I had no idea what he was talking about but I felt my heart skip when he called me a mistake.


I let out a nervous chuckle trying not to let on to how much I was hurting from that last comment. "Anymore?" I questioned. The only answer he gave me was a nodding of his head, then lowering it again. It was like he really couldn't even look at me. I grabbed the blanket wrapping it around myself and calmly awaiting his explanation.


"Last January I jokingly pushed you into the pool…I knew you couldn't swim and had full intentions of coming in after you. You hit your head and sank to the bottom I panicked when you didn't move…You are something my mind created out of guilt." He buried his head once again. "We go through this often…Its killing me to see you again and again…" he looked away. "I was wrong…I am so sorry." He looked down once again fidgeting.


I smiled at that point, that was all I had ever wanted to hear when I was living. I just wanted an apology for everything he had done to me. Sure…Leaving this world would be hard there where so many people I would miss. At least I knew my death hadn't been in vain if he had finally learned his much needed lesson. "I forgive you." I said as sincerely as I wanted it to sound. His head shot up and his brown eyes seemed to be studying my smiling face looking for any signs of lying. He use to be the only one that could tell when I was lying. I began to vanish from the feet up…He would never see me again. This was his chance to move on.


As soon as I was finally gone he had his break down. He spoke aloud as he finally choked on the tears he had held back, "How could I tell a girl like that she was dead…that was the only chance I had to be around her…Now she isn't dead she was murdered because of me." He wiped at his eyes and nose with his sleeve, "I never treated her right…Now I'll never see her again."  Maybe those who never learn from their mistakes are doomed to be haunted by them. Sometimes people can't and don't want to change. They cling to someone that gives them hope but in turn hurt that person…that was the lesson my life taught me.