thoughts

4 min read

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Have you ever had something break...and the more you tried to fix it the more it broke? That is kind of where I am at now...but its just odd to me...I recently got in a fight with the one person I would have considered to be my best friend...and well feelings were certainly hurt...and we both snapped at each other....and I talked to another one of my amazing friends and he told me to wait and let her make the first move....and i did....i waited a pretty decent amount of time...and i heard from her today...we hung out for the first time since the fight....and it was both good and bad...it started off good...allot of laughing and talking...and then....she kind of hinted at the fact that she is sharing personal details about me to someone that I do not like and I do not trust...someone that knows next to nothing about my life for good reasons...well the one she knows everything...I have told her everything...and the one that knows nothing went looking for something she couldn't find...and my friend snapped at me about this...and it felt like she was trying to restart the same fight hiding behind this act of I didn't want to start a fight and what matters is that it didn't cause any trouble for you...as to the issue she brought i told her about it at the time...but since she as involving someone else...especially who it was i just agreed it was weird and let it drop...I didn't see the point of defending it when it is just going to get back to the other person...I know the reason...and thats good enough for me...but overall I am just tired of fighting...she knew this was going to be a fight...and it did cause problems for me...So everything is telling me to deal with those problems before addressing her...but at the same time...I don't know if I even want to.... I mean I feel like this severely limits what i will be comfortable telling her....allot of trust is broken here...can you even be friends with someone you don't trust? But...at the same time its odd because I am seeing people I never knew care....I hung out with another friend at the end of the day...and truth be told I never felt we were that close...and i take the blame I wouldn't let him near....but....she snapped at him over something he told me...and he amazingly said he needed me over her...and when we hung out it was actually fun...we went to the mall....I went blonde so he thinks I need more color in my wardrobe to match the new look...but anyway he seemed to actually have fun laughing at how bad some of the clothes were...and we talked some...and then another friend that has been out of my life for about a year came forward....and we have been talking and its been great....shes funny and we get along...and then there is one person that is always there for me...and he came around....thankfully....but I dont know...this whole thing has made me think a lot...and I guess the big question is will I be able to keep this friendship even though it has drastically changed allot of trust is gone....or is it even worth it...I want it to be...but I will never feel like i can tell her everything again....

I am also gearing up to go back to school...I got all my stuff today...folders spirals and pencils...sheesh that is an expensive little journey...but its all my car stuff corvette mustang and vipers so i am excited...my friend was joking saying that i should be more mature going into the business college but they ended up with a Lisa Frank folder so ha! I am ready to go back though...I actually enjoy it...I know I get stressed out but it is something to keep me busy.... 

Sigh what else....I made a grand mistake opening up to a friend of mine about the bad state I was in a couple weeks ago...I didn't really tell anyone else...and well I think that is part of the reason she just agreed to drop this fight...which wasn't the goal...I was just trying to explain why my actions have amounted to what they have....I just I hit a low point and I hate that...and i told her that...and she seemed a little shocked and worried...I guess that reaction is part of why I hate confiding in people...

On the upside I am about a month away from my license...yeah I am old to not have it...but i have had a crippling fear of driving...and who knows one day I might get in and just keep on going...
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